This book lied to me. It purports to start out with a description of a hostage situation in New York city. However, the twist is it turns out that its a simulation instead of the real deal. The deception is complete! However, this is a pretty unusually effective way to “hook” people at the beginning of a non-fiction book. Importantly, the book also points out that the techniques that hostage negotiators use to take the heat out of a situation don’t work for your marriage:
Note to self: something designed for terrorists and emotionally disturbed people isn’t perfect for your family.
That opening is indicative of the rest of the book — very readable, and good at keeping your interest. I guess that’s good in a psychology book? Every chapter starts with a story, and sometimes the stories are event related to the topic at hand, which is admirable. The whole book is written in a lighthearted style that is fun without coming across as forced, which I think is a pretty impressive thing to have achieved.
The book starts out discussing if you can judge a book by its cover — that is, how good are humans at reading the intentions of other humans? For example, are criminal profiles effective at describing likely criminals? It is asserted that the answer is no. In fact, it would appear that humans rely pretty heavily on initial impressions, and it’s very hard to get people to change their mind. Even better, apparently we’re pretty bad at spotting a liar too.
It then moves on to attempting to determine if “a friend in need is a friend indeed”, which I’ve always taken to mean that people are more friendly when they want something from you. Apparently a 2009 study found the average American has four close relationships, two of which are friends. This means most Americans eat about as many hamburgers a week as they have close relationships, which is a pretty exciting thing to learn. It is asserted that increasing this number even a little bit has a direct relationship with happiness, although the quality of the relationship matters more than the quantity of relationships. Around 65 studies show that our brains process information about close friends using the same regions as information about ourselves, that is, our brains blur the line between close friends and our own identity — they are processed as a group. I find that finding really interesting.
Next the book moves on to examining if “love really does cure all”, which turned out to be a series of chapters on successful marriages. While this section was interesting, I don’t think there was a lot of apply there for me — it’s mostly things like assume good intent and go on more exciting dates. I’d love to go on more dates with Cat, but first we need the kids to be just a little bit older. We’ll get there in time. That said, this quote does stand out to me:
Everyone asks how you got together (with your partner); nobody asks how you stayed together.
And then finally the book talks about loneliness and how its a relatively recent concept. This is blended with a discussion of placebos and their effectiveness in medical treatment, where the underlying point is that the important bit is that people need to feel that someone cares for them. That is, we’re social animals, and a lot of our current rise in psychological problems is because of increased isolation and loneliness in modern societies. I find that hard to disagree with.
Finally, the book attempts to address the meaning of life. Honestly it’s answer doesn’t suck, but I won’t ruin it for you.
2022-06
320
From the author of the Wall Street Journal bestseller Barking Up the Wrong Tree comes a cure-all for our increasing emotional distance and loneliness--a smart, surprising, and thoroughly entertaining guide to help build better friendships, reignite love, and get closer to others, whether you're an extrovert or introvert, socially adept or socially anxious. Can you judge a book by its cover Is a friend in need truly a friend indeed Does love conquer all Is no man an island In Plays Well With Others, Eric Barker dives into these questions, drawing on science to reveal the truth beyond the conventional wisdom about human relationships. Combining his compelling storytelling and humor, Barker explains what hostage negotiation techniques and marital arguments have in common, how an expert con-man lied his way into a twenty-year professional soccer career, and why those holding views diametrically opposed to our own actually have the potential to become our closest, most trusted friends. Leveraging the best evidence available--free of platitudes or magical thinking--Barker analyzes multiple sides of an issue before rendering his verdict. What he's uncovered is surprising, counterintuitive, and timely--and will change the way you interact in the world and with those around you just when you need it most.